I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
