I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
