I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I need to sanitize my soul.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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