Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Randomize