Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
