I just saw a hot homeless man
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
