i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
