I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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