I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
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