i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
