dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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