In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
