dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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