I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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