he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
