giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
