i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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