I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
