Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
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