you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize