My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
