Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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