he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i drank out of a bidet.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
