I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
