Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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