I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
