well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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