i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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