If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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