Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
