he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
