Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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