I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize