How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
