I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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