This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
