and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
