Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
