What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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