So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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