the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
