Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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