if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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