If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
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