The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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