We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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