We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
