I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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