Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
