Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
