Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
