I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
