I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
