dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
