My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
