He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
