Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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