true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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