She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Randomize
