dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
40s are totally the cure
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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