You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
